Parenting Workshop in Secondary School (part 1)

I have recently attended a parenting workshop at Montfort Secondary School and I thought some of the issues we’ve discussed are worth sharing. Parenting after all is a lifelong learning process – from the time our kids were born up to the time they have families of their own.

This specific workshop invited parents of Secondary 3 boys – teenagers and challenges parents face in this stage. Although we have not encountered any serious problem having a teenager in the house, I felt there is still a need to educate ourselves (myself and my husband) on the HOWs and WHYs and WHATs, to know what to expect as we all go through another phase in our child’s life.

Rest in Peace, Mr Lee Kuan Yew

taken from therealsingapore.com

It has been days since speculations about the worsening health condition of LKY started circulating online. All eyes were on the Prime Minister's official website for the latest (positive) news. Prayers and well wishes were pouring in the Prime Minister's Facebook wall. But today, a disheartening news brought tears not only to Singaporeans here and abroad but to those who have called Singapore their home for years. 

Sentimental Seventeen

“We are told that people stay in love because of chemistry, or because they remain intrigued with each other, because of many kindnesses, because of luck. But part of it has got to be forgiveness and gratefulness.”

- Ellen Goodman

"Love doesn't mean anything if you're not willing to make a commitment."

- Nicholas Sparks

There is no better way for me to describe how our roller coaster relationship had survived almost two decades (November 8) than with the quotes above. It all started with the word "commitment".

A simple act of kindness

For several years now my sons have been taking bus 88 to school. I usually bring them to the bus stop and send them off with hugs and kisses. 

Most of the times we are early at the bus stop, but there are times when the bus timing app messes up and we get there just in time or when the bus is just about to close its doors. One of those days Ira and I saw the bus coming as we were walking to the bus stop. We knew we wouldn't make it to the bus if we didn't run so I asked Ira to go ahead while I run behind him, carrying his heavy bag. Almost all of the ones waiting for the bus have already boarded except for this middle aged man who seemed to have been waiting for us to reach the bus. He gestured to the driver to wait as he saw Ira running. He even let Ira get into the bus before getting on board himself. Panting, I passed Ira his bag and thanked the man for waiting for us. He answered with a nod and silent smile.

Our Children are listening: Nine Messages they need to hear from you by Jim Taylor PhD

In my pursuit to becoming a better parent, I found yet another interesting and helpful parenting book - "Your Children are Listening: Nine Messages They Need to Hear from You" - by Jim Taylor, Phd. I've read the book and had my notes for quite sometime, but the draft remained a draft (revision after revision, trying to keep it short but informative enough) until now. .

The book basically talks about how parents can clearly communicate messages to parents and how parenting skills can be developed in conveying these messages. The author enumerated nine messages that our children needed to hear from us. I think, as parents, we all know that COMMUNICATION is indeed a very important part of the parent-child relationship (so with other relationships). His book not only suggests HOW we should communicate but WHAT we should communicate to our children. I learned new techniques on how to communicate with my children better (although I have to say learning is one thing, applying what I've learned is another).

Reading is my refuge

When we moved to a 3rm HDB rental flat in 2002, I was so thankful that we chose one that was within walking distance to necessities - hawker, bus stop, train station, church, grocery, and, most importantly, the library. It was a place I frequently visited with my then 2-year-old son. The possibilities of exploration were boundless.

We borrowed children's books for me to read to Kelvin. Sometimes I even let him "choose" the books he found interesting - usually illustrated ones, mostly related to automobiles. He loved to pretend reading books, I think it also helped him read at an early age. Every night, he would ask me to read of the small children's books my aunt gave him - all 10 or so of them!

A Cruise to Remember

Finally, we were off to our first cruise experience on-board Costa Victoria for the December school holidays. Little did my husband know that I had something more than family fun in mind. 

The 30 Secrets of Happily Married Couples

It's book reflection / summary time again. This one's the 2nd edition of Paul Coleman's book.

What's good from the very beginning of this "updated version" is that the author listed down some old myths included in the previous editions which now have been found to be "false". Here are some of these myths:

Old Myth: Shutting down and running away from an argument is never helpful.

New Finding: If agitation is high, a strategic timeout from an argument is essential - as long as the discussion continues when participants are calmer.

Old Myth: Happy couples show much more positive emotions when they interact (humour, affection, agreement and so on) than do unhappy couples.

New Finding: In a study of newlyweds, couples who later divorced or felt miserable together showed only thirty seconds per day less positive emotions than their happier counterparts. But the happier couples used those extra thirty seconds like a precision laser beam in the service of de-escalating conflict.

Old Myth: Couples who avoid conflict are suppressing their real feelings and building resentments.

New Finding: Couples who try to avoid arguments at all costs can actually be very happy together. However, if a conflict-avoider is paired with someone who is emotionally volatile, unhappiness will result.

Old Myth: If you cannot resolve your differences you are doing something wrong and the relationship is at risk for failure.

New Finding:  Every couple have several permanently irresolvable differences because of personality styles and values. Happy couples learn to manage those differences, not eradicate them.

Old Myth: Major differences in personality account for why some couples are unhappy together.

New Finding: Personality differences do not predict marital success or failure. It is each partner's perception and interpretation of those personality traits that make the most difference.

Old Myth: It is important to make "I" statements, not "You" statements, when communicating ("I felt hurt when you teased me in front of your friends" as opposed to "You were wrong to tease me in front of your friends")

New Finding: "I" statements are unnatural and hard to under stress. Happy couples find other ways to communicate effectively.

Some of these new findings are not new to me. It got me, do these findings apply to all couples in general? I wanted to find out more. Who wouldn't want to have a happy marriage, right? 

I believe we don't need to wait until we have an unhappy marriage to start reading or getting tips on how to have a happy marriage. I believe if we want to have a happy marriage we will make an effort to know more about how to achieve it. It's not the cure to unhappy marriage we want, but supplements to keep the fire burning.

Happiness Test - gives some idea of where your relationship stands when it comes to achieving happiness. Choose the answer that seems closest to how you feel - Mostly True, Sometimes True, Mostly False

1. When we're apart I think fondly about my partner.
2. Arguments with my partner tend to escalate with no satisfying resolution.
3. I admire my partner.
4. At least one of us has a problem with addiction(s) - alcohol, drugs, gambling, pornography
5. If my partner says or does something I don't like, I don't view him or her as having a serious flaw.
6. My partner frequently says or does mean or hurtful things.
7. We have at least twenty minutes a day of quality "couple time".
8. Much of the time, things have to go my partner's way.
9. Each of us can admit it when we're wrong.
10. I'm dissatisfied with our sexual relationship.
11. We show affection regularly.
12. I fantasize about leaving my partner for someone else.

Once you're done answering, please leave a message/comment so I can post how the marking goes and what it says about your marital happiness. 

On with the summary. 

Part One 

• 15 POSITIVE steps couples should take to increase marital quality
• lists the key actions and attitudes that couples need to do more of to improve marital joy

Secret #1: Tap into the hurricane-force power of small talk

Secret #2: Give the benefit of the doubt

Secret #3: Magical attentiveness

Secret #4: Nurture one another, and be good friends

Secret #5: Yield often to your partner's wishes

Secret #6: Encourage each other's dreams

Secret #7: Recognize your role in a problem

Secret #8: Love it up with sex and affection

Secret #9: Take time for yourself

Secret #10: Be positively optimistic

Secret #11: Supersize your intimacy

Secret #12: Have creative ("wow") sex

Secret #13: Find a sacred purpose to your marriage

Secret #14: Boost commitment

Secret #15: Get a healthy perspective on your family of origin

Part Two

• 15 NEGATIVE behaviors and attitudes that must be reduced

Secret #16: Stop judging (and start accepting)

Secret #17: Reduce your need to be right

Secret #18: Don't expect miracles overnight

Secret #19: Be less accommodating of hurtful behaviors

Secret #20: Stop arguing about problems that will never go completely away

Secret #21: Uncover and reduce hidden agendas

Secret #22: Don't allow arguments to escalate

Secret #23: Decrease your inner agitation

Secret #24: Keep it between the two of you

Secret #25: Don't tempt fate with opposite-sex friendships

Secret #26: Abandon resentment, and forgive

Secret #27: Don't keep bringing up the past

Secret #28: Reduce conversation killers

Secret #29: Eliminate double standards

Secret #30: Get rid of these sexual myths

Are you ready for what may be a life-changing step towards marital bliss??? I know I am....

Stay Home, Stay Happy - Chapter 8: Ace Your Space

"To be happy at home is the ultimate result of all ambition, the end to which every enterprise and labor tends, and of which every desire prompts the prosecution." -- Samuel Johnson

This chapter talks about "Creating a Soulful home".

My goal: to create a home that is functional (less work for me) and an environment that reflects our values. Don't we all want to have this kind of home?? Specially the "less work for me" part. It's not that easy with kids around. But it can be worked out.

Start with the family table

Because family meals are central to the soul of your home life. Regularly eating together anchors your family and provides many more benefits than most of us think about. We don't have any problem in this area as we eat together on a daily basis, thanks to hubby's tolerable work schedule. The only concern is that our little one tends to dilly-dally when eating. Sometimes it takes him a full hour to finish one small bowl!

It's not hard to imagine that children and teens who share meals regularly with their parents have better overall diets and finer table manners, but did you know that they are also more likely to have bigger vocabularies and better grades, and are less likely to smoke, drink, have sex, get depressed, consider suicide, or have an eating disorder?

Rules to make your table a family table

1. Starting with a prayer or thanksgiving ritual sets the tone.
2. No distractions! Turn the TV off; let the phone ring. Make this hour sacred. Unfortunately, with all the technology (tv, smart phones, etc) surrounding us and becoming part of our daily lives, it is quite hard to "cut them off" our circulation. Guilty as charged!
3. Get the kids in on the food preparations - they are more likely to eat their food if they help.
4. Keep dinner conversations enjoyable by avoiding topics like "You never clean your room, take out the trash," etc. This is not the time to nag.
5. Manners matter. This is the opportunity to teach kids important life skills.
6. Keep the conversation inclusive. Allow every member to contribute. Don't let one person take over the conversation.
7. Keep it respectful - no laughing at others or teasing allowed.
8. Forget about the "no politics and religion" rule! This is a time for families to discuss the world around them and to share and instill your family's values. At the same time, allow your kids to have different opinions and to share them without criticism.

Your home should encourage togetherness

After the kitchen, the most important gathering spot in your home is going to be the living room or family room. In the case of most flats in Singapore though, the living room and the dining room is "integrated". There are pros and cons to this kind of set up.

Create an atmosphere in your home where kids are welcome everywhere.

Creating an environment that encourages reading also encourages togetherness. Learn to associate reading with a positive cozy experience.

Include a small altar, where we keep religious symbols, candles, and prayer books.

Create other tangible symbols of what you share together as a family, such as cherished photos and mementos of trips and special occasions.

Creating a designated space that helps your family understand its identity and values brings history and meaning to your gatherings.

Get the most form your space

Anything you can do to save time on housework in your home is time you can spend doing other, more enjoyable activities.

Consolidating activities into one room allows you to eke out together time while you take care of necessary chores.

Try to create a space that kids can happily retreat to when grown-ups need some alone time.

The outside matters too

Don't forget the outdoors when it comes to your home.  You should always find ways to make the outdoors just as inviting a place to be together as indoors so you can enjoy fresh air and family bonding at the same time!

Little things mean a lot

Every home has its own style and rhythm because every mother and her family are so very different. One of the greatest pleasures of being a mom is creating a warm and inviting place for everyone to come home to. We just don't set the scene, we set the tone.

It's up to us to make the home a sanctuary as opposed to a source of friction or stress.

Home as sanctuary

Your home is a sanctuary from the outside world and the place in which the most important things in life unfold. Creating your family's "sanctuary" is an important task that requires thought and love.

Kids are less resistant on the days I have the patience to explain that picking up mess is more than a chore; it's a way to show respect for our home and what we do to make it nice and cozy for them.

Creating a home that feels like a sanctuary from the outside world is especially important for family members who have to spend hours away from it at work or school. 

The lessons in love taught in the home have a greater impact on the world than the things that happen in places of commerce or government. Indeed, those institutions are just that - institutions. It is the people who inhabit those institutions - their character, honesty and the passion that they bring to their work - that can make those agencies forces of good in our world. These virtues are first - and best - learned in the family home, where members learn to love, share, and care for one another.

Am I creating a soulful home? Is my home a sanctuary?

1. When  think of my home, the word that comes to mind is:

a. Love

b. Warmth

c. Chaos

d. Fun

2. On a typical evening after the kids go to bed you will find me:

a. reading in my favourite chair. I love the quiet.

b. fast asleep. I'm exhausted.

c. alone, watching mind-numbing TV to forget about the laundry and housework that's piling up.

d. hanging our with my hubby, talking and watching our favorite show.

3. When I reflect on my day in the evening, I feel:

a. proud of what I accomplished

b. tired, but grateful

c. resentful. I'm tired of being tired.

d. happy to be alive!

4. On a scale of 1 to 4, I would rate my home's function and beauty as:

a. (4) I've worked hard and found clever ways to make my house organized and charming.

b. (2) I wish my spouse and I agreed on the importance of aesthetics in a home so we would follow through with more of the changes I think it needs.

c. (1) I hate my house, and that's why I don't like having company.

d. (3) It's not perfect, but I'm making improvements and have a long-term plan.

If you answered mostly a, b and d, then your home is your sanctuary or it is on its way to becoming the place you want it to be for you and your family. If you answered mostly c, you need to consider the psychological and family benefits of a home that meets your family's needs and makes your day easier. You are home most of the day and deserve a space that works for you and makes you proud.

I can safely say that I have somehow made our home somewhat of a functional and semi-comfy place to be. Of course, there will be times of chaos especially after the kids play around during the weekend leaving board games and toys on the floor, or when my paper files are not in the proper places. But in general, I have a space that works for me during the day - with my computer cum work table in the living room where everything else is accessible. It's not my "dream work station" yet, but it's getting there. 

Everything is a work in progress. We add bits and pieces of us as a family to our living room every time. New toys on display in the glass panels. New photos from our family holidays. Medals or trophies received by the kids adorn their respective rooms. Memories are created as mementos add up.

So what's your home atmosphere like?

Stay Home, Stay Happy - Chapter 7:Put Technology To Work

A timely chapter since we are in the computer age and we all know that if we can't beat it, better make use of it! Technology has its pros and cons. But if we know how and when we can make use of it to make our lives better, we are way ahead of the game.

Again, here are some important words from this chapter.

Nurturing yourself, your relationships, and your passion

The most powerful weapon on earth is the human soul on fire! - Ferdinand Foch

The decision to be home with a child for a period or season of life is a weighty one that has a lot to do with how we view at-home motherhood. For our grandmothers, and some of our mothers, staying at home was not really a choice but an expectation. Even those women with a college education and some professional experience were expected to put these interests aside to be a "good" wife and mother. Others who were married young, with little or no professional experience, never had the opportunity to test their skills in anything other than family and motherhood. Many of these women have yearning and relentlessness. 

At-home motherhood is so different now! It has been transformed by many factors, but in so many ways, the technological revolution is the crucial component in the evolution of at-home motherhood, giving moms time-saving tools, the freedom to nurture their passions, and often the ability to work part-time or stay connected in some way to their former work lives. Technology enables moms to explore and delve deeply into virtually any subject in the comfort of their robe and slippers.

Technology has made it much easier to run a part-time business, participate in job-share programs, freelance or consult - all from home. This freedom is why modern moms know that being home does not have to be stifling or isolating experience women once complained about. 

The ability to simultaneously be in both worlds - at home with your kids and contributing to your profession - can be an intoxicating feeling for moms who feel most liberated and truly creative when they are satisfying both essential parts of who they are.

Make technology work for you

The internet is giving moms back time that was once needlessly wasted. Time saved is time that can be spent doing something enjoyable or rejuvenating  - yoga, reading, freelance consulting or writing, painting, or playing dolls with your daughter.

• Need to help your daughter with her research paper? You can do it from your laptop in the kitchen.
• Want to ask your child's teacher about the scale of the Indian Village project due on Monday? Just e-mail her.
• Don't know what to do with your soon-to-be limp cabbage in the vegetable drawer? Put "cabbage" in the search engine, and in under a minute, you have a recipe.
• Moms and dads can synchronize their calendars so that Dad doesn't schedule a business meeting during the kid's school concert.
• Order things online. 
• Grocery shopping online.

No question, the internet saves moms time and allows us to access an unprecedented volume of information, create online communities, and pursue personal interests to a degree unfathomably by at-home moms of any previous generation. All of these advances address the problem that Betty Friedan famously exposed as the chief drawback of at-home motherhood: isolation and monotony.

Stay connected to family and friends

The cell phone is a mommy essential. It not only makes us more efficient  but it also gives us peace of mind. It's a huge bastion against isolation.

Technology is bringing the miles between us. Without technology that we have today, my children would probably not have that much connection with their grandparents back in the Philippines. Although phone calls and snail mails with pictures are good forms of communication, nothing beats seeing them eye-eye using Skype or YM.

Internet is expanding our network beyond our family and friends and allowing us to meet and share ideas with mothers all over the world! It was actually in one of the motherhood forums where I met my close friends on our sixth year here in Singapore. We've been friends for 4 years or so now and I'm really glad I've become part of that forum. The internet is also a memorable "place" for me. This is where where I met my husband some 13 years ago! I can't be more thankful.

While online commentary can sometimes bring out the worst in people, it also has the ability to bring  about great insight and understanding of other people's lives, cultures and perspectives.

The connection to other women is invaluable, and real friendships develop - sometimes even moving beyond the anonymity of screen names to the real world. Like what happened to me!

Just do it! Nurture your passion

Use today's technology to make space for you!

Nurturing your passion is essential to both your soul and your work as a mom. Every mom needs to explore and discover an activity or pursuit that brings her joy. You feel recharged, replenished and ready to pour yourself back into your family.

Your training (job experience) could well be employed in the service of your community or your child's school. Your education and skills are not wasted as an at-home parent! You won't be getting a paycheck for that, but it isn't any less significant to your family, your town, or even our country.

Whether your passion is volunteering or baking, you should rightfully feel proud of making your corner of the world better or sweeter!

If your passion is reading, painting, cycling or gardening, your family will benefit if you just do it! Make time and create time. Make the nurturing of your passion a priority.

Being home with your children is a lot of work, but it also has an incredible amount of flexibility. Focus on the positive: the flexibility and the fact that you are your own boss.

Time spent immersed in your passion, or in the pursuit of a hobby, or exploring a different side of yourself, is good for your soul and, therefore, good for your family.

Many at-home moms have the experience  of discovering their true selves after becoming mothers. The key to making this discovery is make yourself a priority!

Fight the technology demons!

If the technological trappings of modern at-home motherhood have done nothing to create free time in your days, you probably need to reprioritize. Uh-oh. This is gonna hit a chord. I, for one, am a victim at one time. But I could say, I'm a recovering addict - internet addict that is.

We simultaneously have to battle the technology demons - you know, the temptation to be hyperefficient and constantly tuned in, thereby losing sight of the underlying purpose of our decision to be home: spending quality time with our kids.

Today's moms are the most efficient multitaskers in the history of mothering. We pack more than twenty-four hours of work into a twenty-four-hour day!

Is technology helping you to spend more or less time with yourself or your family? If you suspect there is a problem, the best thing to do is to remove it from your life for a period of time.

Your spirit is an inspiration to your kids and to other moms!

Ending this chapter, let me just say a few words. Let's use technology to our advantage - to make our life as an at-home mom more "convenient". Let's be aware of our technology demons so we can make the possible steps to fight them. And remember that help from at-home moms is just a click away!

Stay Home, Stay Happy - Chapter 6: Don't Go It Alone!

This chapter talks about getting help from people that surround us, who in turn are willing to lend a hand. Let's get to know these resources, tap them, learn from them, and share our experiences with them.

Taking girlfriends, grandparents, and mentors along for a ride

"I've come to believe that there are only two things you need in any new teaching situation to succeed - humility and inquiry." - Lisa Delpit

Humility is one of the most important prerequisite for motherhood. Love is our motivation, but humility allows for introspection, and that's what you need in order to parent consciously. 

No parent is perfect. We all have room for improvement. After all, children don't come with a handbook. And if I may add to that, having more than one child doesn't make one an expert because no two kids are alike!

When we admit our shortcomings (to ourselves and our children) and recognize our need to learn from others, we are better parents. Although trusting our gut is important, it is just as important to accept that we don't and won't have all the answers and to draw on the wisdom of others.

Girlfriends: Fill your bucket!

We all need friends. We look out for one another, and somehow knowing we are all in it together makes everything a little easier.

When kids are busy playing together, moms can count on time to talk, bond and connect. An additional benefit is that getting together with the kids in tow provides us a benchmark of sorts to gauge our own parenting and child's progress.

Surround yourself with friends who accept you for who you are and can help you laugh at your foibles instead of wallowing in them. And I sure am glad I have those kinds of friends, near and far.

Choose your girlfriends wisely and ask yourself if this is a relationship that is supportive, honest and authentic. You deserve and need to have friendships that are liberating and rejuvenating.

Make it a point to surround yourself with people who lift your spirits and with whom you genuinely want to spend time. You don't need any more stress in your life! I hope I am not causing stress on my friends' lives, having a lot of down times myself.

Nurture the grandparent relationship

Grandparents can also be a great help to Mom (and Dad!). But their help extends far beyond babysitting.

Watching grandparents interact with their grandkids, we begin to see why the love between our children and our parents is different from our parental love and why it is something even the best parents cannot replicate.

Unlike parental love, grandparent's love for our children is not saddled with the ultimate responsibility.

Children who enjoy healthy and strong relationships with their grandparents have the security of knowing that someone else in the world loves them as unconditionally and completely as their parents.

When kids go to their grandparents' houses they are made to feel like nothing in the world is more important than their visit that day. My brother and I felt this way when we were visiting my grandparents' house when we were kids, and I'm sure my kids feel the same way whenever we go on holiday to visit my parents.

Nurture the grandparent relationship - everyone will benefit. It is your job to foster this relationship. I hope I am doing the right measures given the situation (grandparents live in another country).

Nurturing the relationship means understanding that indulging grandkids and  breaking their parents' rules is one of the greatest pleasures of being a grandparent. As long as you trust your parents and believe they have good intentions, let them build a relationship with your kids independent of you and your spouse. I guess just don't go overboard. Meaning the kids should know that grandparents are there to love them and give them a little bit of "freedom" from parents' rules, but parents' rules are there to stay :)


Grandparents provide a window into the history and traditions of a family.


Being around elderly parents who are frail or sick can teach children difficult yet important lessons about compassion and the value of human being regardless of infirmities or disabilities - a lesson that is sadly being lost in the culture at large.


One of the most amazing gifts that comes with the birth of the child is the opportunity for families to heal and move past old resentments or issues because the love they share for this child is greater.


Fun ways to Nurture the Grandparents Relationship

• Recognize that it's your responsibility to foster the relationship between your kids and their grandparents.
• Make grandparents feel welcome and special in your home.
• Be willing to take kids to their grandparents.
• Give grandparents and grandkids alone time to build their own relationships.
• Accept that grandparents will indulge your kids and break some of your rules.

Why we need mentors

There is nothing more humbling that having kids around. Their innocence, reflected in their unfiltered thoughts and questions, is the most refreshing and wonderful part about being a parent.


Knowing that the person I am seeking advice from truly respects my work as a mom deeply affects my ability to hear and absorb their wisdom.

Choosing your mommy mentor

A mommy mentor is a mom, usually older than you, whom you turn to for wisdom and insight. She's an experienced mom who's been there and can offer perspective.


She's a cheerleader who takes pride in your successes and finds it personally rewarding to support you and help you avoid some of the pitfalls she encountered.


Women who have raised strong families who share deep bonds. They have healthy and easy relationships with their grown children, and they truly enjoy being together as a family.


Don't underestimate your kids. Often, in the face of peer and cultural pressure, our kids are wiser and bolder than we give them credit for.

You need more than one


You should surround yourselves with as many different types of mommy mentors as possible. Life hands us a variety of situations to deal with, so you need a variety of resources to draw upon.


Even if your mom is the best possible role model, chances are that you can point to at least one thing you'd like to do differently from your parents. So find a mommy mentor who can help you. Otherwise, it is easy to fall back into old familiar family patterns you were hoping to avoid.


It's always best to really get to know your "mentor" first and to get advice from more than one person you trust!

Pay it forward

Sometimes our reactions are more about how we think something reflects on us, rather than the actual behavior of the child.


The wisdom of letting go and accepting and loving our children for who they are at this very moment, even if it's not exactly what we would want them to do or say.


Do not overreact or over analyze our kids. They should have the freedom to be who they are, confident that their parents love them unconditionally.


Pay it forward - set out to make the life of another busy at-home mom just a little easier.




Pearls of Wisdom: My Favorite Advice from Other Moms

• Your relationship with your child is like a bank account. Love and bonding moments are "deposits"; restrictions and reprimands are "withdrawals". You cannot withdraw funds you do not have. -- Marisol (mother of two)
• Women have more strength than they realize. When the going gets tough, just keep going. -- Carol (mother of eleven, grandmother of 30)
• You can't have quality parenting without quantity parenting. -- Jane (mother of 4)
• It's important to figure out your own life before involving someone else. If you don't know yourself, you will be constantly searching, and it will be harder to be the selfless person you need to be as a parent. -- Sharon (mother of 3, grandmother of 2)
• Your child develops into his own independent person, different from you. He is not always going to do what you want or expect. If you accept that, parenting your child will be a success. -- Ruth (mother of 1, grandmother of 2)
• Don't personalize it when they pull away. That's what they are supposed to do. And remember that respect is a two-way street in the parent-child relationship. -- Peggy (mother of 2)

Another chapter's been revealed. I'm sure we are all getting closer (if we are not already there) to appreciating our life as at-home parents, and to becoming really happy. 

I'm sure glad to have a handful of moms around me who I can refer to when I'm in need. Some of them are older than me, same age as me or even younger than me. I take whatever it is that helps in my parenting. And more often than not, these circle of friends / female family members give sound advice. So go out there, look for your mommy mentors (if you don't have them yet). Share experiences with them, ask for advice from there. And don't forget to pay it forward.

Stay Home, Stay Happy - Chapter 5: Rekindle your Relationship

We've gotten halfway through the book. I'm hoping we all have benefited from it somehow. This chapter talks about the ways and benefits of rekindling relationships....

It's good for the family!

"If marriage isn't a first priority in your life, you're not married." - Joseph Campbell

"Accustom yourself continually to make many acts of love, for they enkindle and melt the soul." - Teresa of Avila

Time spent rekindling your relationship is not just a gift to you and your spouse, but a gift to your family!

The demands of parenting, especially in the early childhood years, can easily have the effect of overshadowing the relationship between the parents. However, the health of the primary relationship has consequences for the family as a whole.

Kids will be more secure and happy knowing that their parents are in love and actively engaged in making their relationship, and family, strong.

Pull yourself together

Here's the good news: if you're an at-home mom, recent data indicates you are having more sex with your husband than working moms. So why are stay-at-home moms surprised by the findings? Because being home with the kids doesn't always feel so sexy.

It's so easy to get into a routine of doing for others all day as our own needs slip lower and lower on the to-do list. It's a trap, though. Not taking care of ourselves affects our self-esteem. We need the confidence and energy that comes from feeling like we are at the top of our game.

Taking care of myself by pulling myself together everyday in simple, meaningful ways always puts me in a better mood and state of mind. If we understood it for what it really was - a gift to our families - we might not be so passive about putting ourselves last.

Splurging on bath and beauty products that make you feel pampered and sexy is an investment in your relationship.

Remember how well you took care of yourself when you were single? Ask yourself why you are not doing it now. The reason is often because we don't have that motivation of trying to impress a man! In my case though I really didn't have that much interest in dressing up for a man even when I was still single. I didn't wear make up (just a lip gloss). I didn't like wearing perfume (i have sensitive sense of smell). I think I am more motivated to dress up now that I am married.

Make taking care of yourself a top priority.

6 ways to pamper yourself

1. exfoliate daily with a gentle cleanser
2. don't skip your haircut and color appointments - there's no substitute for that right-out-of-the-salon hair feeling!
3. monthly facial (you can do it yourself!)
4. luxurious bath products
5. manicure/pedicure
6. massage

Six Easy Ways to Pull Yourself Together Quickly

1. A touch of lip gloss, mascara, bronzer, or under-eye concealer
2. For more coverage, use mineral powder make up (easy and looks natural)
3. Ponytail or great had for bad-hair days
4. Splurge on trendy glasses (hides bags and no make up)
5. Invest in one or two sweat suits or loungy outfits (fitted, not baggy!) for daily wear
6. Fresh, crisp perfume or cologne

Transitioning from mom to woman

When it comes to romance, the biggest obstacle for at-home moms is that our work doesn't provide  a transition. If you don't create some transition for yourself, it's hard to meet your husband where he's at emotionally or physically. (guilty!)

Find time before your husband comes home to do something relaxing (read a magazine, file your nails, play or color with the kids!).

Your relationship will be much better if you have things to discuss besides your kids, and if you're both reminded why you ever liked each other in the first place!

The whole family will benefit if your love life is in balance. You will be a happier, better mom, and your children will flourish, when your relationship with your partner is loving.

That's why young kids love it so much when their parents kiss and hug each other. It's proof that they are cushioned by a loving family unit. It's the kind of reassurance kids need to feel secure and happy. So if your kids are young, enjoy the PDA while you can!

Schedule Yourselves In


Scheduling regular date nights says "our relationship matters", and by making it a regular affair, you can minimize scheduling conflicts with your partner and your child-care provider. Since hubby and I are not into the idea of a baby-sitter, we don't have a regular date night schedule. What we do have since the start of this year is the breakfast date time since both kids leave early in the morning. Sometimes we go out eat breakfast at a fastfood nearby, or we just make our own breakfast. The thing is that we spend more alone time.


Taking a vacation day during the week while your kids are busy at school is an excellent way for couples to get alone time. You can go out to lunch together, hit a matinee, or just hang out at home and do all the things you can't do when the kids are around. CHECK!

Plan a getaway - without the kids!

Researchers have found that experiencing physical affection and sex on one day predicts a better mood and less stress the next day, which in turn predicts the same the next day. That's why vacations are so great for couples!


Many couples never get away together, especially when the kids are little, because they feel guilty or worried. It's really too bad because, while the kids may miss you (and you will miss them!), they will ultimately benefit from the rejuvenation a trip can give your marriage. When looked at from that perspective, it's actually really good for the kids!

Small gestures make a big difference

The true measure of a marriage is in the small things couples do for each other on a daily basis.


On the occasions we do remember to do something that makes our spouses feel loved and appreciated, too often we end up doing what WE would like our partners to do instead of what they actually want. This is another are where communication is paramount.


Focus on results, not blame. After all, the purpose is to encourage behavior that makes us feel loved, not to guilt your partner out.


After sharing your feelings, take the high road by setting an example. Do something thoughtful for your spouse as soon as possible after your conversation.


Don't wait for your spouse to do something nice for you - lead by example. By being the partner you would want to have, you can begin to take responsibility for your relationship and build a partnership that will strengthen the entire family.




Six Small Gestures that say "I love You"

1. A love note slipped into a briefcase or coat jacket or onto the mirror in the morning
2. A favorite meal or beverage waiting when he comes home
3. An unsolicited foot or neck massage
4. Letting your spouse sleep in on the weekend (hubby lets me sleep in on weekdays!)
5. A cup of coffee and the paper by his night table for when he wakes up
6. A long kiss for no reason

So what are you waiting for??? After reading all the tips from the book (thru my blog), I hope you were inspired, motivated, and will take action. 

Start planning those regular date nights (or mornings) or a short getaway you have been dying to have since you had kids. Have fun!