Our Children are listening: Nine Messages they need to hear from you by Jim Taylor PhD

In my pursuit to becoming a better parent, I found yet another interesting and helpful parenting book - "Your Children are Listening: Nine Messages They Need to Hear from You" - by Jim Taylor, Phd. I've read the book and had my notes for quite sometime, but the draft remained a draft (revision after revision, trying to keep it short but informative enough) until now. .

The book basically talks about how parents can clearly communicate messages to parents and how parenting skills can be developed in conveying these messages. The author enumerated nine messages that our children needed to hear from us. I think, as parents, we all know that COMMUNICATION is indeed a very important part of the parent-child relationship (so with other relationships). His book not only suggests HOW we should communicate but WHAT we should communicate to our children. I learned new techniques on how to communicate with my children better (although I have to say learning is one thing, applying what I've learned is another).

Reading is my refuge

When we moved to a 3rm HDB rental flat in 2002, I was so thankful that we chose one that was within walking distance to necessities - hawker, bus stop, train station, church, grocery, and, most importantly, the library. It was a place I frequently visited with my then 2-year-old son. The possibilities of exploration were boundless.

We borrowed children's books for me to read to Kelvin. Sometimes I even let him "choose" the books he found interesting - usually illustrated ones, mostly related to automobiles. He loved to pretend reading books, I think it also helped him read at an early age. Every night, he would ask me to read of the small children's books my aunt gave him - all 10 or so of them!

Secrets of a Top-Scoring Student

I've come across this book while browsing in the library. I found it helpful specially now that Kelvin is on his way to taking the PSLE (hope it's not too late) and Ira is just in Primary 2. Although I've taught them somehow of the basic techniques in studying which are almost the same as those stated in the book, I think it's still better for Kelvin to be able to read the book and know for himself that students really do use these techniques and succeed in getting high scores. 

It's not a book of overnight tricks to becoming a genius but gives several tips ("secrets") that will guide students into getting the score they want to achieve.

I'll be tackling the secrets one by one in the following blogs: 

Secret 1: Adopt the right mindsets

Secret 2: Lay the groundwork

Secret 3: A blueprint for success in school

Secret 4: Manage your time

Secret 5: Prepare for your exams

Secret 6: Stay healthy

I will be using notes I've taken down while reading the book. So for those who are not into reading the book from cover to cover, my blog is a good way of getting just the summary of the book, in bullet points! Saves you time but gives you the important points.

If you are a parent like me, you have probably read gazillions of books like this. The tips are almost the same for most of the books, but this book was specifically written by a student himself who has struggled in the early years of his education then was able to turn his life around by changing his ways, in the Singapore education system. It just shows that students need not be born geniuses to get great scores in exams.

Hope it helps to refresh our memories about how we could help our kids get the marks they  want and deserve.

Secrets of a top-scoring student.... SECRET 6

STAY HEALTHY

(the final secret)

Physical Conditioning

• you cannot study well if you are not in good health

1. SLEEP 
• have adequate sleep to maintain good attention span to absorb information
• wait till you are completely refreshed and alert before doing the assignment
• keep the routine by going to bed at around the same time everyday. This allows your body to adjust and allows you to fall asleep more easily.
2. NUTRITION
• quality of food consumed affects our physical and emotional states
• have regular meals
• cereal bars
• have constant supply of carbohydrates to keep yourself alert
• have balanced meals (carbohydrates, protein, some fats, abundant fruits and vegetables). Blend fruits and vegetables.
• avoid too much salt, sugar, oil (chocolates and potato chips). These cause detrimental health effects and may contribute to increased stress and agitation levels.
3. Stay in form: EXERCISE REGULARLY
• keep fit and healthy in order to study effectively
• those who exercise regularly have significant higher concentration levels than those who do not
• exercise helps you to sleep better
• exercise improves your mood
• exercise helps to strengthen the immune system and keep illnesses at bay
• exercise can be fun and is also a form of leisure
• exercise in an integral part of a top-scoring student's success
4. STRESS MANAGEMENT
• a controlled level of stress is beneficial to our academic performance
• STRESS = our body's reaction when we are faced with people and circumstances which are not from our familiar surroundings. It's our body's way of responding to challenges we are faced with.
• positive effects of stress
• body produces more adrenalin which makes us more alert and ready for battle. Concentration levels increase. Combative mood to overcome the problem.

How to stimulate your biological system to greater extent

• attempt more challenging academic exercises
• read more than what is being tested to enlarge your learning horizon
• try to reformulate questions and change the given factors

Reduce stress levels

• have sufficient rest
• have nutritional meals
• talk about your problems with your teachers, classmates or close ones. This lessens the emotional load.
• remain confident in all circumstances. Think positive and you become stronger.
• exercise regularly
• do not take on more than you can handle
• do stress-relieving activities like listening to music, meditation or deep breathing
• define your own goals and decide what you really want in life

STUDY SMART, not STUDY HARD

There is no real success without hardwork.

Scoring at exams is important, but the acquisition of knowledge is even more important.

Understanding and good grades go hand-in-hand. It's only in understanding the content that we can really score well at exams.

Secret 1: Adopt the right mindsets

Secret 2: Lay the groundwork

Secret 3: A blueprint for success in school

Secret 4: Manage your time

Secret 5: Prepare for your exams

Secret 6: Stay healthy

Source: Secrets of a Top-Scoring Student (by Linus Tham)

Secrets of a top-scoring student.... SECRET 5

PREPARE FOR YOUR EXAMS... WHEN EXAMS LOOM

Exam preparation strategies

1. start early - giving yourself a head start so that you can revise at a leisurely pace
2. study for all subjects equally
3. revise, not learn
• learning is the acquisition of new knowledge in our brains
• revising involves the refreshing of one's knowledge already acquired over the many lessons in school
• it is necessary to learn before you can revise

One Month Before

• Exam preparation is a key stage in your course for good grades

1. Develop a study plan
• systematic overview of what to revise, the timetable and how to dedicate this time pool
• divide your time among the subject equally
• introduce variety - revise at least 2 unrelated subjects on any given revision day
• dedicate more time to studying material that will carry more weight in the exam
• include regular breaks
2. sit down and get to work
3. find doing something pleasurable which can be easily controlled
• non-academic in nature
4. start revision process
• read chapter thoroughly
• underline points you don't understand
• read notes you took down
• make summary points for the chapter

Summary notes

• list only main points in the chapter
• concise and simple memory stimulators
• highlight important definitions of technical terms to be tested
• flashcards

2 weeks before

• knowing the exam paper is key to your academic success
• go through past-year exam papers (a chance to rebuild confidence)
• focus on the questions you got wrong
• reread summary notes and flashcards to refresh your memory

The day before

• have a good night's sleep
• doing well at exams is a matter of how the information that you have learnt is utilized and applied

The day itself

• Believe in yourself, and believe that you can do it
• "It is not the mountain we conquer but ourselves." - Edmund Hillary
• put your mind in a relaxed state
• color green has relaxing effects
• make a quick note of general exam structure (how many sections? type of questions?)
• start answering systematically and with confidence
• easy questions first, in order to build confidence
• if you are unable to answer a question, skip it and move to the next. You can always return to it later. Never waste precious time on your inability to answer the question.
• aim to finish 15-30 minutes before end of paper
• go through your paper at least once
• the power of checking the answers in the answer scripts
• check that all the questions have been answered and that no part has been missed out
• check for calculation errors
• check for spelling and grammatical errors
• try to improve the presentation of the answer by rephrasing ambiguous sentences
• remember that your name and student number is written on EVERY PAGE of the script

Tackling exam questions: Type of questions

• it is necessary to know what kind of questions you are facing
• if you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles. - Sun Zi

MCQs - usually where the student can pick up the maximum number of points in any test

1. analyze the question - do you understand WHAT is being asked?
2. underline the KEY TERMS in the question that you need to take note of
3. read through ALL the options available
• choose the answer which is the BEST or the MOST SUITABLE
4. do you know the answer? if not:
• effective method = elimination
• psychology - B or C (if you really have no idea)
5. If you don't know, skip and do later
6. never leave a blank answer

Fill in the Blanks

1. read thru carefully and precisely
2. write answers and read through for coherence
3. should be grammatically and logically correct
4. length and space = indicator of length and type of answer expected
5. guess but look for clues

Free Response Questions

1. Abstain from giving answers which are made up of one word or a couple of sentences. Your answer should be made up of an introduction, main argument and conclusion.
2. Level of complexity and detail
• substantiate your viewpoints with different arguments, and substantiate your arguments with ample examples
3. Key terms to look out for
• list / enumerate - no explanation or details
• evaluate - list and provide details and explanation
• critique - highlight strong points and weak points
4. Start writing your answer
• paragraphing allows for thought structuring and neatness
• write neatly and legibly
5. Never leave a blank answer
6. Use drawings / diagrams to help in organization of ideas 
• flowcharts to accompany sentences

Ace the oral exams

• verbal interaction between examiner and student
• the founding principle of success at any exam is to know your subject
• research common topics
• prepare to respond to a list of possible questions. Think of how you would answer in the most convincing way possible.
• good impression  
• basic greetings and courtesy
• always maintain eye contact
• voice control  
• ensure what you say is audible and understandable
• sit up straight and speak clearly
• pronounce words clearly
• avoid using abbreviated words, slang or technical jargon
• do not talk too quickly
• at the end, thank the examiner

Secret 1: Adopt the right mindsets

Secret 2: Lay the groundwork

Secret 3: A blueprint for success in school

Secret 4: Manage your time

Secret 5: Prepare for your exams

Secret 6: Stay healthy

Source: Secrets of a Top-Scoring Student (by Linus Tham)

Secrets of a top-scoring student.... SECRET 4

MANAGE YOUR TIME

Time prioritisation - ability to rank your tasks by their importance and to do the more important things before moving to the less important tasks

80/20 Rule - spend 80% of your available time on study-related activities and 20% on leisure activities (during school term)

• 90/10 ratio - during exam periods
• 30/70 ratio - during vacation

Destroy the domestic time monsters

• limit shower time
• keep regular sleeping hours
• be disciplined and keep the time spent at meal times constant

Secret 1: Adopt the right mindsets

Secret 2: Lay the groundwork

Secret 3: A blueprint for success in school

Secret 4: Manage your time

Secret 5: Prepare for your exams

Secret 6: Stay healthy

Source: Secrets of a Top-Scoring Student (by Linus Tham)

Secrets of a top-scoring student.... SECRET 3

A BLUEPRINT FOR SUCCESS IN SCHOOL

Before lessons

• Content preparation - lesson material is anticipated beforehand
• one of the most crucial step to be taken before each lesson
• lays foundation for understanding
• Plan your day - setting agendas
• draw up weekly timetable
• to-do list

At School

• Punctuality and regular attendance
• note-taking - a useful recall technique
• recording of the key concepts covered in the lesson
• when you revise your notes, you will be able to recall important points and from there, explore the finer details within the textbook
• Ask questions - allows you to speak up in class
• a way to make you understand the concepts and a chance to clarify any doubts you have
• consider different scenarios

Setting goals

• set realistic goals - well within your skills and abilities
• set a time frame
• flexibility is needed when results show that the goals are too far from the reality and that the goals need to change accordingly
• should be very easy to understand

After class

• review your notes - highlight the important points to take note of
• list the points which you do not understand on a separate piece of paper, to be dealt with at the next meeting with the teacher

Find professional help - if need be

Secret 1: Adopt the right mindsets

Secret 2: Lay the groundwork

Secret 3: A blueprint for success in school

Secret 4: Manage your time

Secret 5: Prepare for your exams

Secret 6: Stay healthy

Source: Secrets of a Top-Scoring Student (by Linus Tham)

Secrets of a top-scoring student... SECRET 1

ADOPT THE RIGHT MINDSET

• adopt a mentality of starting exam preparation from the first day of the school year, with every lesson being treated as a training ground for the future exam
• by starting early and understanding instead of memorizing, you may be able to improve your grades dramatically
• you don't need to be naturally gifted to excel and be a top scorer. What is more important is consistency and diligence in your preparation.
• "slow and steady wins the race"
• your thoughts have direct influence in your academic performance (Thinking positively)
• "Outstanding students are often equipped with an extraordinary level of self-belief"
• "Je pense, donc je suis." - Rene Descartes (French Philosopher and Mathematician)
• Whether or not you succeed is dependent on whether you believe you can do it. And the level of success which you attain is commensurate with the amount of confidence you have in yourself.

Persevere and learn from mistakes

• "Many of life's failures are often who did not know how close they were to success when they gave up." - Thomas Edison
• Top students leverage on their mistakes to bring success closer to them.
• examine your mistakes carefully and to concentrate your revision on your weaker areas

Learn from the best

• choose the best people in the field as your role models, drawing lessons from them

Solicit Criticism

• Top scorer always believes that his knowledge is lacking and that there is room for perfection. He does not sit back and relax. Instead, he continually seeks to understand where the knowledge gaps are.
• drive for knowledge refinement and perfection inevitably leads to distinctive results
•  maintain an open mindset to criticism
• criticism and feedback contain many treasures and lessons that we can benefit from

Self-responsibility and purpose

• responsibility for ones actions and assuming the consequences
• success belongs to those who take responsibility for their future
• it it important to have a purpose that motivates you

Understanding with consistency

• taking notes and constant revision are important in the process of information retention
• memorization is useless unless students are able to use the existing knowledge and apply it appropriately in each situation
• the secret is in understanding (comprehension)
• to be able to comprehend
• to have good sense coupled with discernment; which is also the ability to analyze information critically
• "The point of studying is in studying smart."
• "No law or ordinance is mightier than understanding." - Greek Philosopher
• divide and conquer concept
• reducing the problem into smaller pieces and mastering each piece separately before reassembling the knowledge base
• find the central message in every concept
• understand it before moving on to the particular cases
• makes everything much clearer
• examples in textbooks
• categorize into easy, average, difficult
• start with easy
• understanding easier chapters helps to build up your confidence, which in turn gives you extra motivation to work on the more difficult parts of the subject
• replace concepts and represent them in simple sentences

Time management and Self-discipline

• good time management = prioritizing important tasks
• prioritizing is directing your efforts to where the needs are
• self-discipline is about doing something because you need to do it and not because you feel like doing it
• "Self-discipline begins with the mastery of your thoughts. If you don't control what you think, you can't control what you do. Simply, self-discipline enables you to think first and act afterward." - Napoleon Hill (American Author)
• put your real needs above your feelings
• Good students know how to sow the seeds which lead to the good harvest, even if it would require much sweat and tears.

Tips to implement self-discipline

1. remove the bad habit from our habit cycle
2. practice makes perfect (becomes part of subconscious)
3. your central purpose can be a very powerful motivating factor
• paste motivational posters in front of your study desk
• make sure you are reminded of your goals everyday

Get to the core

• top scorers use the "key facts" strategy to filter the content and identify the important points that can be tested in an exam
• can this concept be tested in an exam paper?
• is it relevant?
• "chuck the frills, go for the essential"

3 levels of information

1. The CORE info - where all the important information lies. Central to the subject. Would definitely be in the exam
2. The SUB-CORE info - related by less important concepts. Case studies and examples
3. The OUTER LAYER - unimportant information. Rarely tested

• importance of selecting the important bits of information to study in order to maximise time efficiency
• importance of thoroughly understanding the content, instead of resorting to memorization

Retreat in order to advance

• choosing to put aside the books and study a different subject... or to put studying on hold to pursue some leisure activities
• by moving to another activity, top scorers allow their concentration levels to be regenerated. And since they are engaging in another activity, another part of the brain is being used, so this would not affect the concentration regeneration process

Retreat to sharpen our saw

1. do regular exercise - highly effective way to recharge energy
2. change the subject matter being studied regularly. Variety helps to stave of boredom and to keep you interested in your studies.
3. stop and pursue your interests. It will introduce an equilibrium to your life and make it more fulfilling.

Final part of the learning cycle

1. application of information for problem solving
2. evaluation and judgement of the acquired information

Go beyond the theory, understand the practical.

Secret 2: Lay the groundwork

Secret 3: A blueprint for success in school

Secret 4: Manage your time

Secret 5: Prepare for your exams

Secret 6: Stay healthy

Source: Secrets of a Top-Scoring Student (by Linus Tham)

Secrets of a top-scoring student... SECRET 2

LAY THE GROUNDWORK

Different Learning Styles

1. Visual - use of sight
• learn thru written language
• learn thru looking at things
• illustrate new concept thru graph/table
• mind-mapping
• drawing simple sketches to represent your thoughts
• highlight notes
2. Aural - learn through sound
• heavy preference for sound content
• need to hear in order to learn
• talk about the subject matter and listening to others talk about it
• group study/discussion
• study with music (as long as it's not too distracting)
3. Kinaesthetic - learn through movement
• constant need to move in order to think
• doodling and drawing in textbooks
• take stretch breaks
• make your notes using wide variety of materials
4. Deductive - master concepts thru logical reasoning and by thinking through the process
• cause and effect model
• use mindmaps to summarize concepts
• draw flow charts
• concept generalization technique

Create your workstation

• the study environment can make or break the best intentions and abilities
• conducive study environment
• level of distraction  - no distractions can take your mind off revision; a place where you can revise and meditate on concepts in silence
• noise level
• well-lit environment - relatively bright location
• where you can place your study table - face the wall where you can see your motivational quote
• study posture - posture you are comfortable with and in which you are able to concentrate
• study materials within reach
• keep your workstation tidy - be organized but avoid over-organization

How to overcome procrastination

1. build commitment - to do list
• break into smaller parts makes it easier for the students to manage and reduces the sentiment of being overwhelmed
2. reward yourself continually when you finish a task
• choose something that gives you simple pleasure
• the pleasure associated with the reward will help boost your mental well-being
3. learn to say "No" when you need to study
• prioritize the important tasks and try to delay the unessential work

• By starting on the tasks early, you will have more time to study for the subject. With more time, you will feel more relaxed and less stressed up, which strengthens your ability to prepare for difficult questions. This leads to a general improvement of the quality of work for the subject.
• Stamp out procrastination by getting down to work quickly, instead of waiting till the work piles up.

Secret 1: Adopt the right mindsets

Secret 2: Lay the groundwork

Secret 3: A blueprint for success in school

Secret 4: Manage your time

Secret 5: Prepare for your exams

Secret 6: Stay healthy

Source: Secrets of a Top-Scoring Student (by Linus Tham)

The 30 Secrets of Happily Married Couples

It's book reflection / summary time again. This one's the 2nd edition of Paul Coleman's book.

What's good from the very beginning of this "updated version" is that the author listed down some old myths included in the previous editions which now have been found to be "false". Here are some of these myths:

Old Myth: Shutting down and running away from an argument is never helpful.

New Finding: If agitation is high, a strategic timeout from an argument is essential - as long as the discussion continues when participants are calmer.

Old Myth: Happy couples show much more positive emotions when they interact (humour, affection, agreement and so on) than do unhappy couples.

New Finding: In a study of newlyweds, couples who later divorced or felt miserable together showed only thirty seconds per day less positive emotions than their happier counterparts. But the happier couples used those extra thirty seconds like a precision laser beam in the service of de-escalating conflict.

Old Myth: Couples who avoid conflict are suppressing their real feelings and building resentments.

New Finding: Couples who try to avoid arguments at all costs can actually be very happy together. However, if a conflict-avoider is paired with someone who is emotionally volatile, unhappiness will result.

Old Myth: If you cannot resolve your differences you are doing something wrong and the relationship is at risk for failure.

New Finding:  Every couple have several permanently irresolvable differences because of personality styles and values. Happy couples learn to manage those differences, not eradicate them.

Old Myth: Major differences in personality account for why some couples are unhappy together.

New Finding: Personality differences do not predict marital success or failure. It is each partner's perception and interpretation of those personality traits that make the most difference.

Old Myth: It is important to make "I" statements, not "You" statements, when communicating ("I felt hurt when you teased me in front of your friends" as opposed to "You were wrong to tease me in front of your friends")

New Finding: "I" statements are unnatural and hard to under stress. Happy couples find other ways to communicate effectively.

Some of these new findings are not new to me. It got me, do these findings apply to all couples in general? I wanted to find out more. Who wouldn't want to have a happy marriage, right? 

I believe we don't need to wait until we have an unhappy marriage to start reading or getting tips on how to have a happy marriage. I believe if we want to have a happy marriage we will make an effort to know more about how to achieve it. It's not the cure to unhappy marriage we want, but supplements to keep the fire burning.

Happiness Test - gives some idea of where your relationship stands when it comes to achieving happiness. Choose the answer that seems closest to how you feel - Mostly True, Sometimes True, Mostly False

1. When we're apart I think fondly about my partner.
2. Arguments with my partner tend to escalate with no satisfying resolution.
3. I admire my partner.
4. At least one of us has a problem with addiction(s) - alcohol, drugs, gambling, pornography
5. If my partner says or does something I don't like, I don't view him or her as having a serious flaw.
6. My partner frequently says or does mean or hurtful things.
7. We have at least twenty minutes a day of quality "couple time".
8. Much of the time, things have to go my partner's way.
9. Each of us can admit it when we're wrong.
10. I'm dissatisfied with our sexual relationship.
11. We show affection regularly.
12. I fantasize about leaving my partner for someone else.

Once you're done answering, please leave a message/comment so I can post how the marking goes and what it says about your marital happiness. 

On with the summary. 

Part One 

• 15 POSITIVE steps couples should take to increase marital quality
• lists the key actions and attitudes that couples need to do more of to improve marital joy

Secret #1: Tap into the hurricane-force power of small talk

Secret #2: Give the benefit of the doubt

Secret #3: Magical attentiveness

Secret #4: Nurture one another, and be good friends

Secret #5: Yield often to your partner's wishes

Secret #6: Encourage each other's dreams

Secret #7: Recognize your role in a problem

Secret #8: Love it up with sex and affection

Secret #9: Take time for yourself

Secret #10: Be positively optimistic

Secret #11: Supersize your intimacy

Secret #12: Have creative ("wow") sex

Secret #13: Find a sacred purpose to your marriage

Secret #14: Boost commitment

Secret #15: Get a healthy perspective on your family of origin

Part Two

• 15 NEGATIVE behaviors and attitudes that must be reduced

Secret #16: Stop judging (and start accepting)

Secret #17: Reduce your need to be right

Secret #18: Don't expect miracles overnight

Secret #19: Be less accommodating of hurtful behaviors

Secret #20: Stop arguing about problems that will never go completely away

Secret #21: Uncover and reduce hidden agendas

Secret #22: Don't allow arguments to escalate

Secret #23: Decrease your inner agitation

Secret #24: Keep it between the two of you

Secret #25: Don't tempt fate with opposite-sex friendships

Secret #26: Abandon resentment, and forgive

Secret #27: Don't keep bringing up the past

Secret #28: Reduce conversation killers

Secret #29: Eliminate double standards

Secret #30: Get rid of these sexual myths

Are you ready for what may be a life-changing step towards marital bliss??? I know I am....

Time Management for Manic Mums by Allison Mitchell

I found this book - Get Control of your life in 7 weeks. Time Management for Manic Mums - from the library in Hougang (646.700852 MIT). I've always been interested in books about home organizing, personal development, and the likes, so I gave a it a shot.

I read through the first few pages and I liked the way the author (Allison Mitchel) writes. She is humorous and since she gets the examples from her own experiences or her friends' experiences, I can easily relate to them.

The book is divided into 7 chapters which represent the 7 weeks of changes that moms (and other busy people for that matter) need to do in their lives. Each chapter begins with Time Truths. I will be blogging about her book, taking the important points in every chapter (as much as I can), together with the tips, activities to do and the summary.

If I have some opinions or comments on any topic, I will probably write about it at the end of the blog per chapter, or in the comments section, so as not to confuse readers from what I have taken from the book. I will also try to update my progress as the weeks go by - if I have successfully done and applied what the book suggests.

Here are the chapters (in weeks) covered in the book.

Week 1: What's in Your Egg Timer: Sand or Gold Dust?

Week 2: Where did all my time go and please can I get it back?

Week 3: How much time do you want?

Week 4: Become the mistress of your own time

Week 5: Time management for the masses

Week 6: Put off procrastination

Week 7: Human doing to human being

Happy reading... and I hope everyone of us will be able to have good control (a.k.a. use) of our time by the end of 7 weeks. This book should also help us plan and visualize our dreams and goals.

Time Management for Manic Moms - Week 7: Human Doing to Human Being

Time Truth 7: If you can live in the moment you can expand time

Are you a Doing or a Being?

• If you have implemented what you've learned, chances are you've been transformed into a lean, mean doing machine. You value your time. You know how you spend it and you've been the proud instigator of plans and systems that have licked your life into shape. You are getting everything done.
• In the midst of our organizing and doing, we sometimes forget to just enjoy ourselves, to just be, to savour the moment. We neglect to nourish ourselves and our souls.

RQT: Real Quality Time

• with "doing" out of the way, you can now move your focus towards "being"
• In the state of being you can expand time by totally immersing yourself in every moment. You can start to make more of your quality time.

Time is like a box of chocolates

• Understanding you own natural tendencies when it comes to the way you devour time will ultimately determine your ability to savour it.
• Exercise - Just a minute. Use a digital watch, or have someone keep time for you. Close your eyes and open them when you think a minute has passed. (No counting elephants in your head please!). See if you know how long a minute is. Do you open your eyes too soon? Did your minute seem to take a long time to pass? If so, maybe you're rushing through other things, too. Let this give you an idea of how well your body clock is calibrated with time.

Are you in a Good State or a Right State?

• Our baseline state is a bit like our resting heart rate; it's how we are most of the time.
• Your baseline state will affect how you interact with time and how you calibrate with your environment.
• How do you tend to move, think and feel most of the time? Do you usually feel at one with your activities and environment? Or is your state not conducive to this?
• PUT SCANNED PAGE HERE
• The more ticks you have on the left-hand side, the more likely you still have a lot of Manic Martha about you. Although you may be getting many things done, you probably aren't savouring what you do. 
• If you have more ticks on the right-hand side, you're more like Perfect Paula. With a clear head and a sense of direction you know everything's sorted for the future and will happen because you've planned it that way. You can set the scene for days where you can focus on just enjoying each moment as it comes.

The 7 Deadly Sins of Time Management - the sins that keep you from savouring your time

Sin One: IMPATIENCE

• lack of ability to keep your mind in one thing stops you from enjoying what you're doing.
• Your brain is always racing on to the next thing. You can't sit still and relax. (OUCH for me!)

Sin Two: GUILT

• Instead of enjoying what you're doing, you're busy beating yourself up about something else you think you should be doing instead.

Sin Three: KNOWING NO BOUNDARIES

• You're wound up like a spring.
• You find it difficult to relax into whatever you're up to at any given moment.
• You find it hard to switch from one thing to another.

Sin Four: BAD LANGUAGE

• You're always telling yourself that you're really busy and have no time. This bad language reinforces your belief that you're time-poor. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Sin Five: GLUTTONY (Always saying "Yes" to More)

• You don't know how to say No.
• You often end up with so much on your plate you can't cope up with it all.
• With too much, piled too high, you find it hard to focus  on or enjoy any of it.

Sin Six: TREADMILLING

• You're on an uphill treadmill. You do the same old things day in, day out. Everything rolls into one.
• The mundane nature of your routine makes it difficult for you to engage with it in a satisfying way.

Sin Seven: LUST

• You have a roving eye. 
• You are constantly distracted and so you can't savour the moment.

Simple Sin Solutions

Solution One: FEEL PRESENT

• think back to your Time Line. Stand up and put yourself in the place that represents your present. How do you feel as you stand there? What do you see and what do you hear?
• If you had to describe a representation of your present, what would you say about it?
• If you had to describe it (your present) to someone else, what would you say? If you could think of a symbol of a metaphor to describe it, what would it be?
• Think to yourself, what symbol would better serve me right now if I wanted to savour the moment more? Then choose to focus on feeling like that.

Solution Two: ANCHOR PRESENCE

• Imagine if you had a built-in switch so that whenever you wanted to feel present to what you were doing you could.
• It works because it gives you a choice about how you feel.
• Time management is about choice and focus. You can choose to focus on feeling present and savouring your time or you can choose to focus on feeling hurried and manic.
• It empowers you to make a choice. Learn how to feel present and then choose to feel that way. Here's how:
1. Think of a situation where you don't feel totally present, but would like to.
2. Decide how you would like to feel instead. For example, perhaps you would like to feel calm and engaged.
3. Recall a time from your past when you really felt that way.
4. As vividly as you can, as you recall a time when you had the desired feeling, take in all the sounds, all the sights and all the feelings from that memory. Concentrate on experiencing this as intensely as you can. (It might help to close your eyes).
5. Stop concentrating and shake yourself gently, just to break the feeling.
6. Think about something you could use to trigger this positive feeling. An example might be clenching your fist, or putting your thumb and forefinger together.
7. Repeat Step 4 and relive the desired feeling as intensely as you can. Do this ten times.
8. When the feeling seems at its most intense, "fire" the trigger you thought of in Step 6.
9. Stop concentrating on the memory. Shake yourself gently to break the feeling.
10. Test to see if the trigger works by recalling the situation where you lacked presence, identified in Step 1. As you think about it, "fire" your trigger. It should switch you into the positive feeling instantly. If not, repeat Steps 7 to 10.

Solution Three: RELAXATION and MEDITATION

• Taking a few moments every now and again really helps to ground you.
• If you regularly practise meditation or some form of relaxation, you will learn how to become more focused on and engaged in what you are doing.
• "little and often" is the motto again
• The Garden of Tranquility
• Find yourself somewhere quiet and comfortable where you will not be disturbed. In your imagination you are about to visit the most beautiful, relaxing and tranquil garden in the world.
• Close your eyes and just let go. Let every part of your body relax, from your toes to the crown of your head. When you feel as relaxed as you can, let yourself become ten minutes more relaxed. In your mind's eye take yourself to your own Garden of Tranquility. In this garden the weather is perfect. The sky is clear and blue. Feel the warmth from the golden sun on your every limb. Just notice the relaxing sounds you hear, the smells. As you sink deeper into what feels like the most comfortable chair you've ever sat in, be aware of the colours and landscape in this mystical garden. As you relax, your breathing becomes deeper and slower. Enjoy the wonderful moments that you spend in your garden, knowing that while you're here there's nothing to be done, other than relax. Spend as long as you want in your garden. Only when you are ready, gently come back to the moment, refreshed and raring to go.

Solution Four: GUILT BE GONE

• Guilt is a useless emotion. The only thing it does is allow us to feel self-righteous as we punish ourselves with mental beatings about things we've chosen to do in the past. Things that we thing we shouldn't have done.
• While you're thinking "should have", "could have" and "would have", it's hard to be present. Your thoughts are somewhere else. That place is the past, with an event that has happened. You have no control over your past. Why waste time focusing on it?
• Guilt, the useless emotion
• Don't waste time fuzzying your focus by justifying choices you've made in the past. 
• Think about how you can get more control by making better choices about the things that currently make you feel guilty.
• Feeling guilty won't give you more time. Be bold and committed about the choices you make, rather than feeling guilty about them.
• If we feel guilty about something, it leaves us unable to enjoy fully whatever we're doing.
• By making a plan, taking ownership of it and implementing it you put yourself back in control and are better able to deal with guilt.
• It's all about where you direct your energy and emotion. Do you direct yours positively by taking ownership and responsibility for the choices you make, or do you use them up worrying and feeling guilty?
• Exercise: Getting rid of guilt
• Think of one thing you do with your time that makes you feel guilty. The guilty feeling then prevents you from being totally engaged in what you're doing.
• Mentally take responsibility for the fact that you are choosing to undertake the activity.
• Ask yourself, "How do I want to feel instead of guilty?"
• Choose to feel the way you would rather feel. Focus on feeling like that.
• What else can you do to get control of the situation you're in, so you no longer have a need to feel guilty? Think of 3 things that will put you in control
• When you lose the guilty feeling you will be able to feel more present and savour what you are doing.

Solution Five: READY, STEADY, FOCUS

• Sometimes just setting intent to focus can be really helpful. Think about setting intent before the activity begins, to be fully present and to savour it.
• Challenge yourself to be present for just 5 minutes to start off with. Reward yourself when you succeed. Keep your focus in the present moment by really noticing what's around you. Gradually, keep increasing the length of time you feel focused for. Exercise your focus span.

Solution Six: BOUNDARY MANAGEMENT

• If you find that activities from different parts of your life seem to impinge on each other, making it hard for you to concentrate on only one of them, it might be helpful to put some boundaries in place.

Solution Seven: MENTAL MARKERS

• If you find it hard to separate out activities, think of some "mental markers" that will make it easier for you to switch from one to the other. That way you can be fully "in" whatever one you're undertaking. 
• For example, when you leave the office at night, the revolving door could be your first mental marker. That door means you're leaving work.

Solution Eight: GOOD LANGUAGE

• The language we use can have a profound effect on the way we feel.
• Here are some great examples of language that can make you feel rushed:
• I just haven't got time.
• I can't believe the holidays have gone already.
• I just don't know where the time went.
• I rush from one place to the next.
• I've just got too much to do.
• I never have a minute to myself.
• My body aches and needs help.
• Make a note each time you use a phrase that tells you you're hurried. Then say the phrase again, this time preceding it with the words "It used to be that..." Follow it with the words "... but I'm not like that any more."

Solution Nine: THE SHOWER OF POWER

• Positive affirmations - these will put you in a marvellous mental state, leaving you more open to being present.
• Affirmations are a statement of how you would like to be, but written in the present tense and positive in nature.
• Examples:
• I am calm and focused. I am present to all the activities that I choose to do. I know there is enough time to get everything done, in an orderly way.
• I always arrive where I'm going on time.
• I know how to enjoy every moment.
• My time passes at just the pace I want it to.
• Think of one affirmation that would override any negative affirmations you're carrying around in your head.
• Shower of Power - while you're douching your delectables, get your mental matter mustered and mutter your affirmations. What a great way to start the day.

Solution Ten: JUST SAY NO

• What kinds of things are you saying "Yes please" to when you'd rather be saying "No thank you"? Think of 3 recent things.
• List 3 situations that are likely to come up in the near future where you know you will want to say "No". How will you deal with these situations when they arise?
• The Keys to Setting a "No" Free
• Engage your brain - think before you speak.
• Put your sanity first - practise saying "no" to yourself in the mirror. That way, when it comes to the real thing you'll be well practised in how to do it.
• Yes but not yet - you're willing to say "yes" but not at this exact moment
• I'd like to but I can't - empathize, be assertive not aggressive. Explain why you can't do it.
• No I can't, but I know a man who can - be as helpful as you can
• No, I can't do that, but I can do...
• Remember, you have control over the choice that you make when you say "Yes" or "No".

Solution 11: TAME YOUR TO-DO DEMON

• "Wilma What's Next" - she reminds me of what I have to do next when I'm in the middle of what I'm dong. She doesn't want me to forget my schedule. This prevents me from being able to completely savour what I'm doing.
• Reassure your Wilma What's Next that you now  have a wonderful planning system which allows you to capture all that has to be done and everything is under control.
• Respectfully ask her to be quiet while you savour what you are doing.

Solution 12: PUNCTUATE TIME WITH GOLDEN EVENTS

• By creating memorable events that punctuate your Time Line, you can separate one chunk of time from another. There's spontaneity and excitement breaking up the routine events.
• Things to think about might be creating your own family traditions. Take time to savour the planning of holidays. "What can we do as a family, or as individuals, what will help this year stand out?"
• Have a family evening sorting out photos. What a wonderful way to savour what you've been up to!

Solution 13: REMOVE DISTRACTIONS

• Distractions are a fact of life at home and at work. The question is, how do we deal with these interruptions and distractions so we can focus?
• Excuse me, who's interrupting you? -- be aware that many of the interruptions we encounter in a typical day are self-inflicted. Notice which ones you're in control of and which ones you're not. Get rid of the ones you can control.
• Children -- one of the biggest complaints from mums is that they can't focus because their children are always around. If you want focus time without them distracting you, think about all your options for childcare. How about giving your other half, granny or a friend a regular time-slot with the children? Give other family members some RQT with the children so you can have some RQT with yourself. With older children you can ask them to wait, as you would if you were at work. Tell them that you will be free in 5 or 10 minutes. Be sure to follow through. You can even ask them to come back and remind you in 5 minutes. If you consistently do what you say, you will find children can be quite accommodating.
• Phone calls - please use the answering machines and screen your calls. Only answer if it's convenient.
• Get rid of items that distract you -- Start to notice what it is that distracts you. When you have this awareness you can begin to work out a plan to remove it.
• Ask people not to distract you -- tell people when you need a quiet time. Ask them not to call round or phone then.

Solution 14: BUFFER TIME

• If you get estimates right, it avoids the need to be rushing on to the next thing.
• Schedule lots of buffer time into you day, so that emergencies can be dealt with.
• Give yourself some contingency. When you're planning, add on up to 20% more time than you think a task will take.
• Do your most valuable activities first.
• You'll feel more present and in control, just by giving yourself a little bit more space to breathe and focus.

ABSOLUTION

• use the sin solutions and you'll find out what it is to live in the moment and savour every magical minute of every marvellous day.
• You have the tools, you have the techniques, you have the power of choice.
• The mum who paces herself will get more done, enjoy it more  and arrive at the finishing line in a better state.
• Each moment in your life creates your future, so make each one of them magical and create the future you desire, deserve and dream of.

A FINAL THOUGHT: WHOM ARE YOU BECOMING?

• What did I do today that was important to me?
• How did I savour today?
• What did I do today that will make positive ripples in my future?
• What future is your present creating for you? The choice is yours.

Actions for Week Six

• Look at your list of things you've been putting off. (5mins)
• Choose 2 of them to work on this week. One should be a small, achievable item - for example, spending ten minutes everyday playing one-to-one with your children. It could be putting up a picture that's been propped against the wall for months. The other should be a larger, more time-consuming project.
• Totally complete the small item. (5-20mins)
• Break the larger task down into manageable chunks. Put all the short-term actions into your Daily Diary. (10mins)
• Take at least one step on the larger project. (5-20mins) Remember, lots of small steps will move you forward.
• Don't put it off. Put the book down and start now!

Summary:

• To be or not to be? This is the question. Many of us are so busy doing we've forgotten how to just be.
• How you relate to time will affect your ability to savour it.
• There are Seven Sins in Time Management that will prevent you from savouring the moment: Impatience, Guilt, Knowing No Boundaries, Bad Language, Gluttony, Treadmilling and Lust.
• Each sin has a number of solutions that will absolve you, thus allowing you to savour the moment.

Tips

1. Practice saying "no" in the mirror - then when you get asked to do something you really don't have time for, the word "no" will roll easily off your tongue!
2. Don't waste time regretting things that have gone wrong.
3. Buy insurance for plumbing, heating, wiring, etc so you have 24-hour cover 365 days a year.
4. Lift-share wherever possible for the school run, after-school clubs or other activities.
5. Don't bring work home.
6. Clear your fridge of old food every other day before it becomes a permanent fixture.
7. Only iron what you really have to - ask yourself, "When I'm on my death bed, will I be glad I spent 10 minutes of my life ironing this particular garment?"
8. Are your children doing too many after-school activities? Are you all overscheduled?
9. Have a running shopping list, easily accessible to everyone.
10. The wastepaper bin is the most time-efficient filing system there is.